Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize