I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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