How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize