I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so let's talk penis.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
