I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
