Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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