I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
