My sheets look like a crime scene.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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