I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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