so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
