I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
