just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
