I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
