i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
