she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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