So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
