She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
