if you like me you must not know who I am
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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