Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
