the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
