He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I think people are normalizing furries
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
