member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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