drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
