Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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