IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
