are you still at the devil's house?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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