how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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