How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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