I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
