Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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