His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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