i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
