Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
