I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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