Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
COCAINE IS GR8
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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