The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize