is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
