Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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