I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
