woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
