I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
