My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
