hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize