on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
