As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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