i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
