he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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