dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
