i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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