I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
