We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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