Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
