I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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