There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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