Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize