i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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