Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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