I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
