im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
