I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You ate ashes out of my bong
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
