i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
