Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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