I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize