he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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