I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just wanna soil my oats bro
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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