I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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