Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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