i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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