Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
