So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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