____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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