You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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