I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
