My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
